Three reasons I am not an Army Wife

A Military Wife
Now that's a phrase that can mean a lot of different things to different people.  For some, it conjures up images of a prim and proper housewife in pearls, making sure that dinner is on the table when her soldier comes back from work, no matter how late that is.  For others, it is a modern woman, wearing an army t-shirt with her kids in tow, doing the shopping while her husband has been away at training for weeks.  Or maybe you picture a grieving widow, a woman who loves a man that made the ultimate sacrifice for his country.  Whatever image you have, and there are many more to choose from, the term Military Wife tends to evoke strong feelings in many Americans.


An Army Wife

Those feelings seem to be even stronger when it comes to the term Army Wife.  I don't know if that negative image was sparked by the show "Army Wives" or if it is the show that exploited an often undeserved stereotype.  For the record, I've only ever seen the first episode.  I watched the pilot alone while J was deployed, spend the whole night crying, and vowed never to do that again.

I do want to state that I do not have any notion of an Army Wife as being lazy, greedy, gossiping, cheating, living off of her husband's career, etc.  I'm actually not entirely sure what all the stereotypes are since most of the women I've met married to soldiers have been wonderful, kind, welcoming, and generally the kind of people anyone would love to be surrounded by.  My objection to being called an Army Wife has nothing to do with stereotypes, with the possible exception of that fact that it makes me mistakenly think of a stay at home mom, a title I never want to have, though I respect that choice of the women that do.  I say mistakenly, because most of the women I've met in the army work, and many of those that don't wish they could find a job in their career.  No, my objection has to do with my absolute rejection of being defined by my husband's career.

A Landscape Architecture Husband

Reading the above "a Landscape Architecture Husband" probably made you wince.  For one, it's an awkward term.  For another, how weird is it to define someone by their spouse's job?  I understand that Landscape Architecture and a Military career are very different.  In the military, soldiers risk their lives, they are often gone for weeks, months, or years, the job has an unpredictable schedule, and in some ways legally requires the soldier to put his career in front of any other concerns.  Although those are all true, there are other careers that have similar traits (with the possible exception of the legal requirement).  I have a good friend whose husband is a Smoke Jumper.  When there is a wildfire, he gets called in, packs a backpack, jumps out of a helicopter, battles a wildfire, then hikes back out to civilization.  As far as I know he's never been gone for months, but several weeks is not uncommon.  His job is dangerous, it is unpredictable, and no one has ever called my friend "A Smoke Jumper's Wife."

I know that no job is quite like the military.  I know that in many ways it is a unique profession that requires sacrifices on the job of the soldier and the spouse.  I also understand that there are many women married to members of the military that don't mind, or even like, the title of "Army Wife."  To women who love it, I say keep it.  If it makes you happy, if it works for you, then that's what you should go with.

Three reasons why I'm not an Army Wife
It, however, does not work for me.

• Being called an Army Wife denies the fact that I am a person separate from my husband's career.  I was my own person before we married, and still am now that we are married.  We share a lot, including a bed, pets, and a bank account.  We share our aspirations and dreams.  We do not share our identity.  To me, the term "Army Wife" denies everything I have accomplished on my own, and ties me not to my husband, but to his career.
• I am not married to the military.  I married a wonderful man whose career is in the Army.  I am proud of him.  I am proud of what he accomplished so far in life, and I will be there to support him and whatever the future holds.  My love, marriage, and commitment are to my husband, not to the military.
• It conjures up images of a time in the Military (or at least the Army) when a wife was graded for her involvement in the unit, and her husband's career could benefit or suffer from the degree of that involvement.  The Army has since seen sense.  Wives are not longer dismissed from their jobs at the moment of saying "I do" and they can choose whether to work or stay at home, whether to have children or not, and how much involvement they want in their husband's units.  This choice is good.  And I choose not to be an Army Wife.

Now please do not misunderstand me.  I love my husband.  I support him in his career.  I love being involved in the FRG and the coffee groups.  And I'm happy to go to the balls, the meetings, the promotions and the other functions.  All those things are a part of our happy marriage.  The give and take, the involvement what is important to us.  To me, being called an Army Wife implies that I have to do these things.  But I don't.  I choose to do them.  And to me, that makes all the difference.  

Working, No-Kids, Military Wife

I find life in the military to be interesting, though a lot has changed in my perception of what military life is in the 5 years we've been together.  

When J and I first started dating, I loved the idea of marrying into the military life.  It seemed wonderful to have a life with a support network built-in.  A whole world of women whose experiences were similar to yours;  who would help you out when needed, show you the ropes of every new place and be there when your husband had to be away for training or deployed.  I remember sitting in a Mexican Restaurant with my classmates (I was attending graduate school at the time) and talking about it.  They all thought I was crazy to want the military life, but to me, an introvert who takes months or even years to get to know people before I call them a friend, it seemed perfect.

I have found, however, that the reality of the experience is a bit different.  It's not that that support network doesn't exist, or that the women I've met are not wonderful.  It does, and they are.  I've met many great ladies, some of whom I've grown very close to, others who have been there in unexpected ways.  But the community and support network seem to revolve around three factors, a) living on Post, b) having children, and c) not working full-time outside of the home.  Since none of those apply to me,  I've had to find my support network outside of Post.

I see these wonderful women once a month or so, usually at a Coffee night or an FRG meeting.  I host one when it's my turn, but few people come since we're off Post and it's a bit of a drive to my house. I always have a great time with the ones that do come, though.  But rarely do we become best friends. Partially, I think it's because

•  I don't live on post, so I'm not there to meet up for lunch unexpectedly, or to see in the middle of the day, or to call on in an emergency.  Well, I'd be there for the last one, but people tend to call those they've gotten to know already who are close.
• We don't have children.  I know, I know, the name of the blog is Military MAMA musings, but at this moment, and unless you count my cat and dog which I sometimes do, the mama thing is a wish and a hope and not a reality.  Many of the ladies I meet have kids, many of them are young, and they become a great, common topic of conversation.  After all, kids are a huge part of your life, whether you're a SAHM or a Working Mom, so it's natural for them to big a huge topic.  I love kids, but at the end of the day, I don't have a lot of stories to contribute.  And many moms don't like it when you respond to one of kid stories with "yeah!  my dog used to do that too, but then we neutered him." The similarities may be there, but we don't like them pointed out.
• I work outside the home.  Really, the reasons for this one is similar to the other two:  you have to be available when the other house is at work to hang out, and become friends.  I work during that time.  It also means that what's on my mind at the end of the day, like my coworkers, a conversation with my boss, or a recent assignment, may not always be relatable to someone who spend her day or week in very different pursuits.  We end up having to work a lot harder to find the things we have in common.  Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not.  

Now, just because military life is not exactly like the ideal I had when J and I first started dating, doesn't mean it doesn't come with some amazing experiences.  After all, we're in Alaska!  This is a place people pay a fortune to visit, and we get to try out' living here for a few years before we permanently settle down.  The military does have a community, though it's much different from what I pictured.  I often strike up conversations with strangers about being a military wife (a term I'm not terribly fond of, but more on that next time), and getting to talk with people about their previous duty stations is a great conversation starter, and usually quite interesting.  You really do get to meet a lot of wonderful people, and with modern technology, you can keep up with their adventures even after the army move one, or both, of you.

You also make your own community.  It may not mean you know every spouse in your husbands (or wife's) unit, but you know the ones you'd call if something is wrong.  Sure, you may see each other more than civilian spouses usually see their spouses' coworkers' spouses, but at least you always have a ready topic of conversation.  That's definitely worth something.